Bullet Berryman

this post is a tad long, but the read is worth it just for the last few paragraphs! trust me! OK so these last few months have been a rollercoaster ride of too much work, christmas holidays, van breaking down constantly and my Aunty Carol mysteriously dying. The last in the list has taken over my families life since december 8th in a way that i wouldn't wish on anyone. i had only just gotten to know my aunt about 3 years ago. she is my fathers sister and upon their dad (grandfather i never met due to him being a crazy alchy) dying they had to resume contact to deal with a small inheritance. my dad just let his sister have the whole thing, not wanting anything to do with the money. why the need to 'resume' contact with his sister? well my parents became 'born again' in the 70's, right around the time when aunty carol 'came out'. last time i checked born again christians don't deal too well with having a lezbo in the family, so we just never got to know my aunt. plus we moved around so much we were never near where she lived anyways.

well aunty carol wanted to get to know her nieces. i was OK with that, but my sister didn't really want anything to do with her as she had no memory of her at all. carol and i talked alot on the phone and i went out to visit her a few times. we talked every two weeks for about a 2 years. we would have talked more but i knew if i got a call after 5pm she'd already taken a plethora of medications and drank 2 bottles of wine. you can imagine the conversation with all that stuff involved. the last time i saw her was at my wedding last summer...

long story short (and its a long one!) carol had gotten a disability settlement of $70,000 and the $35,000 inheritance 2 years ago. she had me come to her bank and co-sign on a safety deposit box and investment, so that when she died the government wouldnt take a huge chunk of the money. she also said i was the executor to her will.

dec 8th i get a phone call from a corener telling me my aunt had died. i was astounded. i seriously thought shed live forever. i was also informed that her 'husband' was in great distress. HUSBAND??? WHAT??? yes shed gotten married, not told anyone. his name was ART and he was gay as well. he has been homeless before their marriage and had 2 more months to live with termanal liver cancer. they'd gotten married so that carol could get his pension check after he died. i could go on and on about how complicated this gets... any and all wills made before they got married were useless, so i was not the executor if there was a will. when i and IF went up to look for it in her tiny apartment (that this Art guy was still living in) i found that carol had stolen mine and my fathers identity (had our info from the co-bank account and inhearitance transfer) and opened up credit cards in our names (this kind of broke my heart cause i really thought she cared for me). she was in major debt and her bank account had $78.00 in it.

after finding out our family had no legal right to do anything, we quietly stepped away and let time take its course. it did and Art died just after christmas. the government then got involved in the estate but because she/he were in so much debt it wasn't 'worth it' for the government to take care of it. so it fell back on my family. well my mother, father and i went up last weekend to start emptying out the place... and what a mess!! 20 garbage bags full of clothing, a full dumpster of garbage (not even joking) tons of boxes of junk for the secondhand store.

while going through all of the stuff my mother was DYING. she had never liked carol, regardless of her being a lesbian. my mum is kind of prissy i guess. VERY clean and VERY organized. carols apartment was the exact opposite.

comments like: "oh DAVE! this is just DISGUSTING! how can anyone live like this!???!" or "UNBELIEVABLE just unbelievable that someone can have THIS MUCH STUFF! WE dont even have this much stuff and we live in house not an apartment!!"

well as my dad was unhooking the cheap ghetto blaster and i was empting out a coffee can of nails and half burn candles, my mum says, "Dave? dave what is this? is this something you can use? it looks electronic." i look up to see my mothers puzzled face. in her hands she is holding a hot pink plastic bag in which she has pulled out a small device. my dad also puzzled, looks at it as my mum is turning in around for inspection. i start yelling... "MUM! NO! PUT IT DOWN!" "wha-at?" "DON'T TOUCH IT! ITS A - (should i say it???) JUST PUT IT DOWN! ITS ITS... its a VIBRATOR!!!" "vibrator? for what?" "A VIBRATOR! DILDO!!!??"

now cue slow-motion - it registers in my mums brain what she is holding in her hands. she looks up with horror in her eyes. a complete physical flip out with distorted slowmow screaming "NOOOOOO!! -AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!" and the vibrator goes flying in the air!! but not before the cord gets hooked around my mums finger! franticly shaking it off of herself, we all duck hoping to not be in direct line of being hit by the flying bullet. "DAM IT DAVE! I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!!!" another 30 minutes of similar comments followed.

the last few months of crap we've gone through were acually worth it just to witness my mum holding that vibrator. shes probably still scrubbing her hands of it! *d

P.S. i will be guest hosting/commenting on a fellow blogers site this Friday. he has a great weekly post called "It's Friday, I need music!" lots of people post all types of music. i will be the guest commentator. check it out if you can!