Gosh, it’s been a long time since I wrote anything on here. Zol asked me about it today, “When’s the last time you wrote on your blog?” It’s been forever. There are a few reasons for that. I am now the proud mother of two beautiful girls. Graye is 3 in September and Jonah is just over 2 months old now. It’s been a long difficult year and it all started last February…
We discovered I was pregnant shortly after we started trying for our second. I’m not sure I was ready for number two at that point, but I thought maybe after 9 months of gestation I would have a different take on it. At week 11 I went in for an ultrasound to see how old the baby was at that point. The woman giving me the ultrasound would not make eye contact with me and answered all of my questions with “You’ll have to ask the doctor about that.” After the ultrasound was finished she said the doctor would speak to me in a few minutes and somebody would come get me. My stomach turned upside down as she closed the door. I ran my hand over my stomach and my heart started to beat faster and faster. After sitting by myself for 10 minutes the door opened and a woman took me to a back room with lots of people sitting at massive computer screens. She showed me to a chair and I sat down with an older Chinese woman.
In a heavy accent she said, “Sorry. Baby no good.” “Sorry what? Baby no good what?” “Baby no good.” Tears flooded into my eyes as I looked at the black blob on the computer screen. Before I could ask any questions she said, “You park out back? You wan tissue?” I took the tissue and stumbled to the back door pressing it open into the early evening light. My hands shook as I fumbled the key into my van door and climbed into my seat, slamming the door. A flood of tears fell over me and I struggled to find my phone. I paged Zol and waited for his call back. I answered, “The baby is dead… the baby is dead.” “What do you mean the baby is dead???” “I don’t know. I don’t know why but the baby is dead.” I sat there for 10 minutes till the tears had cleared enough for me to drive.
I had had no experience with miscarriages and it is an un-talked about experience in most circles. But it happens – it happens a LOT. For the next 2 months I physically dealt with it. There are pills you take to make the baby come out and they didn’t work for me. Weeks of bleeding and feeling horrible led to me running a very high fever. I was then given a D and C (they go in and take it out) and 3 weeks after I was finally back to normal – physically. Mentally I was a wreck. If you’ve ever had a baby growing inside you and felt the happiness and excitement it brings – all to be dashed on the rocks by some horrible person that says “Sorry, baby no good”… it is an extremely hard thing to deal with.
It was difficult to wrap my head around trying again, but we did and luckily I get pregnant easily. I waited until 15 weeks to tell friends and 15 weeks went safely up to 40. Baby Jonah gave me insane heartburn and a pulled groin (sexy!) for 9 months.
The birth of Jonah is a whole other story and that will be in part 2… stay tuned!