FARMER meets FURTHER

so as i have mentioned before my husband has a little bit of problem with toyota chin vans. just last week he bought ANOTHER one. this will be van number 5. at this particular point in time we own 3 of them. im starting to agree with my friends, and im considering calling in INTERVENTION. surely theres a facility somewhere in new mexico that deals with this type of addiction...? but anyways! whatever...

so this post is a tad long, but has to be to even touch on the subject. i could go into far more detail, but ill try to keep it to the point. perhaps you remember further the van? she was a beauty - and so was the person we sold it to. his name was FARMER. let me fill you in on how we met him... we came out to Further one morning last fall to find on the van a florescent tag with an email address on it along with a circular metal cutout of a stickman. 5 seconds of looking at the circle thing and i realized it was a 'burning man' emblem. no note... no name... no reason for leaving both items wedged into the window frame, so we carried on with our day. a few hours later we came back, and as we were hopping out of the van we saw a guy quickly getting out of a trashed white car behind us to start walking toward us. let me describe what he looks like so you can get a visual 'feel' for what type of guy he is...
Clothing: 'navy blue' T-shirt (at least a good 10 years of wear/tear, sunfade and the odd bleach spot) with a spiral tye-dye circle on the front. denim jeans that are AT LEAST 3 sizes too big for him held up with a belt that is also far too big. he doesn't feed the extra long length of belt through the loops, so it flops back and forth and all around like a foot long loose penis... (i HATE when guys do this with their belts...ew.) don't remember the shoes but there was definitely no underwear.
Body/Face: you've seen him before im sure. if you've ever attended ANY outdoor festival or party - he was there. you know, white guy, slight build, 5 6" and whacked on magic mushrooms? thin weasel like face with an out of control "soul patch". given 5 years, his mousy hair will be seriously receding but he'll still keep it shoulder length as it is now. it has that crunchy quality that curly hair has after it dries. his favorite stance is legs spread wide, hands resting on his head after running his fingers through his hair. this of course lifts the t-shirt up to mid-stomach giving all a great view of of the pubes poking out above the swinging penis belt. yup, a real stunner. a players brand cigarette is burning at ALL TIMES.

"DUDES! that is one SWEET VAN! did you get my business card? im Farmer!" hmmmm ok... it was his 'business card'. we say yes and i tell him i recognize the burning man emblem. BIG mistake. he somehow thinks ive said that ive attended burning man and am im going again this year because HE is and this van would be perfect for the trip! we say no, not this year... i can tell zoltan is getting annoyed and wants to leave. we say something about selling it for $1500 and we really need to get inside now... after a few more minutes of verbal bla bla blahing from Farmer he finally leaves. we roll our eyes as he screeches away - his little white car vibrating with some sort of horrible electronica.

the few days later im driving home from a friends house... its 11pm and im at a red light. all of the sudden a man jumps out of the car in front of me and runs up to my window. i barely have the time to roll up my window and hes standing there banging his chest yelling "ITS ME!!! ITS FARMER!!! can you pull over? its about the van!!" the light turns green and feeling ok about the situation i pull in behind his beater of a car. i wont even get into the conversation here. it revolved around his love of the van and Psytrance - - cue sound of screeching record! TRANCE let alone PSYTRANCE has got to be my all time most loathed type of music. it makes me cringe inside even writing the words. i just hate it. now dont get me wrong - i love plenty of electronica, but trance KILLS ME. please listen to this track at least until the 46 second mark to get what im talking about...

before i knew it he had me over by his car where he started playing me clips of these horrible tracks! WTF? how did i get here? there was also a super creepy 'shrine' to burning man covering his WHOLE dashboard! i told him i really had to get home as it was late. he then offered me $1000 and 2 evenings of his 'DJing services' for the van. i told him id tell my husband and give him a call tomorrow.

zol decided we sell for $1100 and big NO THANK YOU on the DJing offer. we didn't need to call Farmer because he was camped out on our street waiting for us the next day. creepy... he agreed on the price but needed a ride to the bank machine after we dropped off his other car at his house. okkkk... this should maybe take 30 mins max? NOPE! 2 hours! see, this is were we made the mistake of letting him 'test drive' the van with us in it. perched in the back (no seat, just the bench) with his huge smelly dog i held on as he skidded around town - 1st to the bank machine, then the insurance place, then back to his house to introduce us to his brother? then on his way to dropping us back at home he picked up two of his buddies! all 3 of us now in the back with the dog slamming up against each other as Farmer four-by-foured through bumpy alleyways... i was ready to KILL THIS GUY by now. we finally got home where he gave us both hugs that were WAY too long and told us how cool we were- he even tried to cop a feel of my ass! we thought we were saying goodbye for the last time... turns out we weren't.

i guess in the minds of some people, if you force others to 'hang out' with you for a few hours, they become your new best friends. the next few months were peppered with Farmer showing up at our backdoor asking for help with things on the van. the 1st time was the scariest. our backdoor was open and i was in my office. there was a loud rapping on the door and all of the sudden he was in the house, smoking a cigarette with a "HEY BABE! WHERES THE BATHROOM??". BABE?? im not the type to be called 'BABE' at ALL! after coming out his hair was soaking wet...? he talked my ear off for 10 minutes and then proceeded to knock an entire bowl of freshly shucked peas out of my hands and all over my kitchen floor. he left after he saw my face... i was pissed about my peas and my soaking wet bathroom when i saw that. three more times he came to the door and this last time i FINALLY didn't answer. (why did it take me that long? who knows?) didnt he GET IT? every time hed asked for help zol hadn't gotten back to him!? after hearing the last knock on the backdoor, i looked out our bedroom window. i saw him running across our yard and back to further the van where he stood doing something in the van doorway for 20 minutes. another bang on the backdoor. finally he left. i opened the door. there was an little army figure with his 'card' attached to it STUCK TO THE DOOR WITH CHEWING GUM!!! seriously! GUM??? who does that?? see picture to see what it said....

Horn not working?? seriously? dinner?/cash!?? oh could we pleeeease??? i insisted that zol email him this time and tell him to leave us the hell alone. he got a good deal on the van and it wasn't our problem that he rode the shit out of the poor thing and needed help fixing it on a regular basis. for gods sake GET A F@%KING MECHANIC. zol did email him and sensing that we may have a crazy stalker on our hands nicely said the above. we haven't heard from him since thank god. sometimes i feel like im a tad judgmental of people, but in the case of Farmer i think im pretty spot on - this guy was whacked! and this post didn't even come close to sharing how truly annoying this guy was. my question is, how do people get like this? total disregard for the time and personal space of others? opinions? *d